Its been a re-accuring thought process.  It shouldn’t be too often when one has to think about what you are doing in life.  Unfortunately I feel like I think about this too often and I am very unhappy.   I try new things all the time and I know I am good at so many things, I am just very very out of practice.  I don’t even do my makeup the same anymore.  I am beginning to hate how I do my eye shadow.  This is a metaphor to every day with me.  Everyone is so attracted to my personality and face right at the beginning and then I loose my flavor.

I get stepped on all the time.  At my job, with my family, my friends.  I feel like I don’t hang out with anyone very often because I feel like I have a bad taste with everyone.  Something small and is only feeding my miniscule OCD.  I have decided that I hate this state, Florida, only because I have made so many, too many enemies.  Why??  I thought I had this awesome personality and everyone says I’m pretty.  I have definitely lost my “luster.”

What a terrible feeling.  And I know that no one could come with me to my american idol audition, when I knew it was a huge deal to me, but I know that everyone around could see how fake it might have seemed.  Anyways, I didn’t make it.  I’m 3000 miles away from my parents who have no idea I love to sing and dance.  My mom literally told me that she didn’t know me as a singer.  So it started with my small obsession with karaoke.  I have never been trained, but I do know that I have been “karaokeing” since the Spice Girls made it big.  Literally made dances and sang all the time with all that.

I wasted so much time doing gymnastics during high school and was too afraid to try out for cheerleading, when I knew I would rock at it.   I could have been learning more about how to be a doctor or an archeologist.  Those are some of my real world interests, but you can only pick so much stuff up online.   Unfortunately I can hear people being bored with me.  I’ve even stopped telling people I have a bachelors in film because I really have no idea what I can even do for anyone anymore within film.  how effing sad is that?

I just want to go back to Colorado and see him.  Life was not meant to be this hard and disappointing.  Its supposed to have down falls, but I haven’t had a “rise up” moment in a while.  And God knows it won’t happen during my family reunion with my new quarter sleeve tattoo to reveal to my mother and father who really hate tattoos and have yet to accept me as a human being.  They love the idea of me, the idea that they have of me, but not my being.

Everytime I speak I feel like I am lying to people.  No matter what I am saying.  I even feel it when I say my name, since I have to explain it so often.  When do you know you need therapy?  Do I have to injure something?  Or can I just go?  I feel heavy, mind heavy and tired.  I’m only 22 and I feel like there is nothing else I can change, because I am such a self loathing, lazy person.  Is “admitting it” really the first step?

No money, so many problems.